Wednesday, 9 January 2008

The last banana

People said we were so suited to one another. It was a match made in heaven they told us.
We believed them too. We found each other over the last banana at the grocery store.
I grabbed it just as he reached for it. Although if he was telling the story, it was he who had hold of it and I was reaching for it.
I looked at him and he looked at me and neither of us was about to give up our banana. I wanted it for my lunch and I only had a half-hour break. I smiled at him and assumed he would give it up. He smiled back and then I knew we were grid locked.
The decision was taken from us when the green grocery lad came along with a big bunch of fresh ones. We let go of our prize and looked at the new hands on the table.
"You like bananas?" he asked me.
Stupid question I thought considering I was about to fight to the death for the last one.
"Yes actually I do," I said mustering up a smile.
"Me too" he said. And he picked a nice one from the bunch.
With our bananas in our hands we parted company and I went to the drinks cabinet he went to isle 6.
I have always maintained I saw the free checkout first. He says he was half way there before I even got close. We rubbed shoulders as we tried to beat the other to the conveyor belt. I put my banana and drink down and he looked at me as if to say ‘I was here first’
"Excuse me!" I said, "I think I was here first" He says I turned my back on him, but I can’t recall.
"I don’t think so lady," he said to me. I do remember that. And he took the checkout divider and shoved my things to the back, depositing his toilet paper and banana in front.
At the time I thought cheap paper, cheap individual.
"Not so fast buster" I said and I grabbed his things and proffered them to him.
He says I threw them at him, but I remember different.
We both agree he threw my banana on the ground and had my drink ready to follow when I grabbed it and it spurted onto his shirt.
He reckons I should have apologized then, but I said it wasn’t my fault. And I still believe that to this day.
Then the checkout girl called for assistance. Of course he remembers her name. Rebecca. All I can recall is big tits and even bigger teeth.
The manager said we should follow him to his office. Well I only had 15 minutes left of my half-hour and didn’t need the agro, and he looked too wet to go anywhere, so we said "No" together.
It is funny how a third party can make two enemies into one adversary.
The pimply youth who was called to clean up gave him a towel to dry his shirt and while he was thus occupied I sneaked my things through the check out.
He remembers me poking my tongue out at him as I walked away, but I wouldn’t do that sort of thing.
He says he didn’t chase me as I walked out the door, but I think he did. "You will have to pay for this," he said indicating his shirt.
"In your dreams sunshine" I said. My 15 minutes were rapidly disappearing so I quickened my pace; and then he grabbed me.
He said I gave him a black eye then, but I think it was the bumper bar on the car as he fell down.
The security guard at the police station said we just tussled. What ever that means.
The police were very nice about it and we had to wait ages for our statements to be typed up so we could sign them. That was when he jabbed me with the pen. It was the only one on the table and we both went for it like Olympic athletes to the final tape. He got there first and I reckon it was spite that made him jab me on the back of the hand. He reckons if it were on purpose, he would have gone for my eye.
Well the sight of blood brought everyone running and they took us to separate rooms. The woman who fixed me up said I was lucky it wasn’t serious. "Wait until he gets a summons. Then say it isn’t serious" I told her.
I received my summons for assault on the same day he received his.
I saw him in the waiting room of the Magistrates court, and he still had the shirt he had spilt my drink on, wrapped in plastic.
When we were summoned into court, we both hit the doorway at the same time. He recalls I pushed him through and tripped him. I think he was just clumsy and fell.
They adjourned the proceedings while he cleaned up the blood from his nose, and I went for a coffee.
The magistrate was very nice about it and we had to just stay away from one another for a period of 6 months.
When we left the court, I went for a drink at the pub down the road. Glad it was all over. He tells it like it was just a coincidence but he ended up at the same pub. I saw him trying to get the bartenders attention and I knew I had won because he was already pouring my drink. I saluted him with my beer and then when his arrived he did the same. Neither of us can remember who came over to whom, but we got to talking, and drank the afternoon away.
It wasn’t till we went to leave and I found out he had parked his car too close to mine and boxed me in that I called him a moron. He said I was a bloody woman driver.
I didn’t scratch his car on purpose, and he didn’t dent mine on purpose either.
The Magistrate said we deserved one another.
Our friends agree, we were made for each other.

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